Terrified
by speshulduck
Summary: when there are so many things to fear, you cling to what is expected of you.


title: terrified  
  
author: duck  
  
rating: pg  
  
summary: when there are so many things to fear, you cling to what is expected of you.  
  
author note: i hate how people kick him out of the story because he's "evil." without him, there would *be* no story. this is like a drabble that just wouldn't shut up. my first attempt at harry potter fic.  
  
disclaimer: not mine, never will be. though i'll adopt him if people keep rejecting him.  
  
-  
  
When he was eleven he was terrified of going to Hogwarts. Terrified of meeting all the other budding witches and wizards. Terrified of comparing himself to them and finding himself lacking again. His father's voice echoed in his ears. "You'll never be good enough. Why did I get stuck with a Squibb son like you?"  
  
He would always tearfully remind his father that he wasn't a Squibb, that he had some magical powers, but his father would snort and stomp away. His poor Muggle mother was the one to take him to Diagon Alley to get his school things, to take him to the Hogwarts Express and tell him how proud she was. He loved her, but he longed to hear it from his father.  
  
Meeting his first friend was an accident, purely because he was so clumsy. He ran into the pale boy because he wasn't watching where he was going. Once they'd settled their things back together, he introduced himself in a drawling voice as "Remus Lupin." Though his clothes looked new, he seemed thin and underfed beneath them and he projected an air of ragged exhaustion. Having no one else to tag along after, he quickly followed this Remus, who didn't seem to object. They were soon thrown into a compartment on the train with two other boys, both of whom were showing off. He didn't know why, but they instantly accepted him as a friend.  
  
-  
  
When they were sorted, he was terrified of being separated from his new friends. How he got into the house with the brave and courageous he still doesn't know to this day. They became known as the terrors of the school, and he had nothing more to be terrified of. James, Sirius, Remus, and him. Other students feared their pranks, teachers handed them detention as frequently as homework, and all was right with the world.  
  
-  
  
When he was home that summer his father railed against him harder than ever. There was never any hitting, but he was terrified again. His father spent a good deal of time down at the local pub, and his breath reeked of alcohol whenever he loomed close in his face. "You'll never be good enough," his father would scream. He spent most of the summer in tears, longing for the days when he could go back to school.  
  
-  
  
When they were twelve they finally found out Remus's secret. He had a hard time accepting the fact that one of his best friends was a werewolf, but James and Sirius soon resolved to become Animagi to help. They started studying that year in secret, helping him as much as they could.  
  
That was also the year that James's enmity with the Slytherin broke out in earnest; Severus Snape, the dark, brooding boy. Snape spent more time huddled over books about the Dark Arts than he did at class. Snape and James had known each other before school, though why they hated each other so he couldn't say.  
  
-  
  
When he was home that summer his father was yelling again. He spent as much time as he could outdoors, at Remus's, at James's, but never at Sirius's. Sirius would darkly refuse to let anyone come over and said he would disown his family as soon as he was able. Though the thought of a dark wizard sent tendrils of fear down his spine, he held some degree of reverence for Sirius's family. Purebloods and ancient history.  
  
-  
  
When they were thirteen and James and Sirius were both Quidditch stars, he would cheer for them rabidly. He hexed a Slytherin third-year once for slandering their abilities. Remus had to rescue him from the other boy's rebutting attack, but it felt good to finally stand up for himself and his friends.  
  
-  
  
When he went home that summer he begged his mother to let him stay with Remus. His father refused. In his heart, terror was slowly being replaced by anger. He studied furiously that summer.  
  
-  
  
When they were fourteen the Dark Lord rose. He learned a new terror, but respect too. He held a certain fascination for those who could inspire a following, and so this "Voldemort" became an obsession. Remus, James and especially Sirius loathed the wizard, so he kept his interest a deep secret.  
  
-  
  
When he went home he again begged his mother to let him stay with Remus. Again his father refused. He didn't go outdoors that summer, told his friends his father had restricted his movements. He studied again, the anger in his heart a burning pain.  
  
-  
  
When they were fifteen they finally succeeded in becoming Animagi. He was the last to succeed and his form was a rat, but he took such pride and joy in knowing he could do something that only a few other wizards were capable of.  
  
That was the year Sirius almost killed Snape by sending him after Remus. He wondered at Sirius's ability to send someone to their death. Was it that easy to kill?  
  
-  
  
When he got home he found out he only managed to earn a few O.W.L.s. His father refused to let him out of the house, telling him he knew he was good for nothing. Saying that if he didn't get a decent job when he got out of Hogwarts he'd disown him. It brought memories to his mind of Sirius's hateful expression when he talked about his family.  
  
-  
  
When they were sixteen Voldemort gained enough power to be feared by all. Some of the Slytherins were enormously cocky in the face of danger, and he was amazed by this. For all their bravado, Remus, James and Sirius all displayed some underlying levels of fear. What made these Slytherins any different?  
  
-  
  
When he went home he found a quiet house. His father had died only a week before, the victim of his addiction to alcohol. His Muggle mother didn't know what to do with the magical side of his life, so she left him alone in her grief. He did not grieve, but swore he would live up to his father's expectations. He again threw himself into his studies.  
  
-  
  
When they were seventeen he harbored delusions he was better than they were. He ignored all distractions--save their monthly ritual of running amuck with Remus--and continued to pursue his studies. The N.E.W.T.s that year nearly killed him, but he felt accomplished.   
  
That was the year Lily and James finally started dating.  
  
It was the year Snape showed him the Dark Mark on his right arm and dared him to tell his friends. He didn't and understood the Slytherins' lack of fear.  
  
-  
  
When the summer came again, he joined Dumbledore's Order of the Phoenix, intent on turning spy. He managed a fair number of N.E.W.T.s and got a midlevel job at the ministry. He felt pity for those around him because they didn't know which way the balance of power was shifting.  
  
-  
  
When James and Lily married he afforded himself a measure of happiness, knowing in a couple years he would probably betray them to their deaths if they weren't dead already.  
  
-  
  
When he found out Lily was pregnant he finally sought out the man he had been dreaming of following for years. The Dark Lord was most receptive to having a spy in the Order.  
  
He had forgotten the kindness bestowed upon him by those he betrayed. He had forgotten how he was a terrified little boy, and all he could remember was the times Sirius had made fun of him, or the time James had embarrassed him with a Snitch in front of the entire Gryffindor and Ravenclaw Quidditch teams.  
  
-  
  
When his new master found out about the prophecy he sent his most well-hidden spy to finally betray those who had cared most for him in his life. He left Remus out of it, but managed to convince Sirius that no one would suspect him as Lily and James's secretkeeper. He immediately ran to the Dark Lord.  
  
He was surprised to find that willing death upon someone was easily done.  
  
His downfall and the end of his life in one night. He ceased to exist as a man and started his life as a rat. All because his master was undone by a baby. It wasn't that he had severely misjudged the course of events, merely that the unexpected occurred. Peter Pettigrew, the perpetual loser. Terrified of everything and anything.  
  
And he hid. From his dead father's expectations. From the world. From his fear.  
  
[end] 


End file.
